1. High Fantasy
1. Gondor man mistakenly throws wedding ring into Mordor. One ring still unaccounted for.2. Paladin sought for murder of beloved local goblin.
3. 23rd Zhentarim agent this year killed trying to infiltrate Shadowdale. This is just tedious, says Elminster.
4. 2 adventurers dead, 3 in critical condition, after taking bag of holding through portable hole.
5. Couple having sex in owlbear costumes killed by adventurers.
6. 1 dead, 4 injured after snorting alchemist's powder.
7. Extensive property damage after dog drinks potion of growth.
8. Thayan turned into zombie by Szass Tam after saying "It's great to be alive." Being dead is cool too, say local newspaper editors.
9. Waterdeep man arrested for selling "potions of heroism" that were actually just cocaine.
10. Candlekeep man assaults identical twins, claiming they're dopplegangers.
2. Sword and Sorcery
1. Man-ape goes on rampage after being referred to as ape-man.2. Barbarian arrested in fight over local store's "no shoes, no shirt, no service" policy.
3. Local snake cult realizes it's actually been worshipping a giant skink.
4. Kal'thun man wanted for sacrifice after sacrificing friend in argument over human sacrifice.
5. Atlaia sorcerer dragged to hell after sacrificing father to goddess of kinship.
6. Tower of the Elephant evacuated due to mouse infestation.
7. Savages from Mt. Zar'kul eaten by feathered dragon after offering rabbit as sacrifice.
8. Lankhmar man found dead after trying to swordfight while running across clothesline.
9. Pirate dragged into depths after taunting kraken with piece of fish.
10. Human sacrifice fails after sacred pyramid turns out to be rhomboid in shape
3. Post-Apocalyptic
1. Florida town vaporized after trying to strip copper wire from unexploded Chinese nuke.
2. Vagrant in one-armed leather jacket sought for murder of beloved local warlord. Believed to be former police officer.
3. New Mexico man dies of thirst after locking keys in spike-covered monster truck
4. Florida Man dead after attempting to breed human-radgator hybrids.
5. California man dead after drinking 5 gallons of irradiated water. Unclear if death caused by radiation or hyponatremia, says local meat-man.
6. Cannibal breaks tooth after attempting to eat pre-war mannequin.
7. Ex-con dead after drunk-driving Landmaster off cliff during rad-storm.
8. Kentucky man dead after running out of water, living off whiskey for 6 days.
9. Warboy dies in private duel, forgets to bring witnesses.
10. Bartertown man killed for unauthorized bartering. Master Blaster: I run Bartertown, remember?
4. Urban Fantasy
1. "Monster in the sewers" turns out to be local homeless man.2. Florida man kicked out of Arby's for homophobic comments about sparkling vampires.
3. West Virginia man arrested after killing "morlock" who just turned out to be black man.
4. Tennessee woman dead after throwing taser at bog-beast, yelling "go back to your country."
5. Local teen dead after trying flight spell from "The Anarchist's Grimoire."
6. Florida woman dead after stabbing self with bogus "dagger of youthfulness."
7. New Mexico town overrun by "meth chupacabras."
8. Wyoming werewolf freezes to death after refusing to wear shirt.
9. 15 witches arrested in brawl over whether magic(k) should be spelled with a k.
10. Florida fortune teller commits suicide after losing fortune on stock market.
5. Horror
1. Fox News anchor apologizes after mocking appearance of Innsmouth locals2. Haunted house owner kills self in order to become ghost, beat up ghost haunting his house.
3. Welshman lost after entering abandoned castle to search for other lost locals.
4. Missing "golem" statue mysteriously re-appears inside local Jewish Art Museum.
Separate headline on same page: Local ex-con beaten to death by unknown assailant. Previously arrested for anti-semitic hate crimes.
5. Croydon man challenges devil to chess match; doesn't know how to play chess.
6. Wannabe DJ trades soul to devil in return for "skill" of playing electronic music.
7. Woman with poor math skills sacrifices 18 dogs to Satan; arrested for animal cruelty after ritual fails. "Six plus six plus six dogs is 666, why didn't it work?" says confused felon.
8. Florida man sells soul to Santa after failing to spell-check contract.
9. Burbank man, kicked out of museum for spitting on mummy, found mysteriously dead.
10. Mississippi man cursed with buckteeth after disturbing local mausoleum.
6. Cyberpunk
1. Florida man arrested after trying to "hack" computers with hacksaw.
2. Texas man shot with anti-tank rifle after trying to rob convenience store.
3. Local man electrocuted, after trying to have sex with girlfriend's datajack.
4. Would-be shadowrunner dies after plotting heist against Renraku over Renraku-owned messaging service.
5. Would-be burglar gets stuck in air vents while trying to enter Mitsuhama Tower. It worked in that Shadowrunner trid show, he reportedly says to police.
6. Man with new cyberarm rips off penis during meth-fueled porn marathon. Got cyberarm installed after ride-on mower accident.
7. Florida man beaten, arrested after trying to strip police robot for parts.
8. New killer robot police recalled after statistical analysis shows persistent pattern of racial discrimination.
9. Fugitive recaptured after "disguising" self with black trench coat, mirrorshades.
10. Florida man bleeds to death after cutting off legs to install home-made cyberlegs.
7. Space Opera
1. Antares man loses legs after holding lightsaber backwards.
2. Two men from Rigel 7 arrested after argument over whether stars are literally "without number" escalates to fistfight.
3. Spice smuggler falls into black hole after trying to break Kessel Run record. Will be visible forever near event horizon.
4. Imperial admiral threatens lawsuit after finding out star destroyers don't destroy stars.
5. Sirius man shoots comedian after being offended by joke. See what we did there?
6. Local woman vaporized after stealing space yacht, engaging hyperdrive inside gravity well.
7. Florida destroyed after Florida man steals gold-rich asteroid, tries to take it home.
8. Unemployed space trucker dead after playing Rigelian Roulette with plasma pistol.
9. Local vagrant dies after swallowing nuclear fuel he was siphoning out of starship.
10. Sith lord found dead, naked in hotel room after presumed autoerotic force-choking incident.
8. Gonzo Science Fantasy
1. Twk-man goes on rampage after being called twink-man. No injuries reported.
2. Very confused car chase breaks out after bard car plays Flagpole Sitta.
3. Nebraska man brings Knife of Unerring Precision to gunfight, wins.
4. Mountebank ambles off escarpment after misconstruing guidance to Mizifelain's Magnificent Mansion.
5. Ascalais man transported into future after garbling words to Vance's Vituperative Voodoo.
6. Woman tries to shoot husband with Profane Pistol of the Betrayer, dies when it backfires.
7. Perverted hedge mage arrested after groping women with "Maramar's magic hand" cantrap
8. Ascalais man clones self with stolen cloning vat, killed by clone in argument over ownership of Ever-Scintillating Hat.
9. Neo-Florida wizard eaten by illegal pet cyber-tiger.
10. Florida woman injured after psy-meth lab grows chicken legs in wake of botched ritual.
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